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“From the very beginning, no body in my hus- identity into the man’s family, and hence the dilu- and kinship, and it’s impossible to remove it all in
band’s family expected me to change my religion. In tion of purity or superiority of dominant identities one, two or three generations. Society is changing
fact, they were as accepting of me as they would be or groups.” and a lot of our old ideals are being questioned.
of a girl from their own religion,” said Mathur, who Even as more and more youngsters are hav- An important point that I discovered for both
teaches Finance and Economics at Ambedkar Uni- ing pre-marital sex today, norms pertaining to revolutions is that they were happening at
versity in New Delhi. “We now have a little daughter women’s sexual choices and virginity continue to different speeds in different ways across the
who we have named Ayesha, which is both a Hindu be primitive. country,” Trivedi writes.
and a Muslim name. Both of us follow our religions Recently, three men were thrashed by a caste It is indeed true that family ties are intrinsic
as we desire — I have a small temple in our house panchayat in Pune for starting a campaign to stop parts of the lives of Indians. A lot of youngsters are
and read the Gita daily; he tries to go for Friday an archaic practice of conducting ‘virginity tests’ on either influenced by their parents or do not want
prayers whenever he can. My parents are more than brides on the first night after marriage. According to be insensitive to them when it comes to taking
happy now,” she added. to news reports, as per the practice, a newly-wed important life decisions. As a consequence of bet-
When asked if religion plays an important role couple is handed a white sheet on their wedding ter education, technology and globalisation, a large
in marriage, NRI Dr Arfana Ahmed Kishan told night to use during sexual intercourse. The next part of today’s youth thinks differently from their
TEHElKA that religion is personal to every indi - day, the caste panchayat along with others from the parents, which can be called a wide generation gap.
vidual and marriage is about accepting differences community ask the groom: “Was the bride ‘fine’?” To But deep-rooted family ties and cultural values also
beautifully. She was born and raised a Muslim in indicate that the bride was a virgin, he is required
Hyderabad and had left home over 25 years ago, at to say thrice: “maal khara (good product).” If not,
the age of 23, to get married to a Hindu man of her then the bride is questioned about who she lost her
choice. “My parents were dead against our relation- virginity to and then the both are asked to pay a there is a fundamental
ship. After we got married, even his parents didn’t ‘penalty’ — mostly monetary, varying from woman
accept me as I wasn’t a Hindu. Our marriage dint to woman.
work and we ultimately got separated and divorced change going on in india
after having two children but that dint really have in india today, there is SloW But ConStant
anything to do with the fact that our faiths were with the breakdown of
different,” said Dr Ahmed Kishan, who is a medi- a never-ending battle Change
cal practitioner based in North Carolina, USA. She the joint family, of caste
continues to use her husband’s name as surname between deep-rooted Author Ira Trivedi, in her book India in Love — Mar-
because it is mentioned in her Indian passport and riage and Sexuality in the 21st Century (Aleph) points and community identity.
she doesn’t want to complicate things. out that India is going through a ‘love revolution’.
The popular case of Hadiya, a young adult who farcical traditions “By spending so much time in different parts this change is slow and
converted to Islam and then married a Muslim man, of India, with so many different kinds of people, I
is an interesting case study of the ongoing campaign and contemporary discovered a fundamental change that India was
alleging ‘love jihad’. The Kerala high court as well as going through,” she writes in the book that was first uneven but there is a
the Supreme Court had both cast aspersions on the pragmatism. published in 2014. “The love revolution will lead to
adult woman’s decision to convert and marry. There the breakdown of the traditional arranged mar- change nonetheless.
was also a National Investigation Agency (NIA) probe riage. This is significant because it also means the
to find out if she was coaxed into converting to Islam breakdown of the joint family, of caste and com-
for marriage. Finally, the apex court recently real- Agreeing that perceptions in India against munity identity, and as divorce rates skyrocket,
ised that Hadiya, being an adult, had the individual falling in love are stricter for women than for perhaps also of marriage itself. This switch from make them think like their parents on many issues.
autonomy to take important life decisions herself. men, Dr Surendran pointed out, “Historians and arranged to love marriage will be a slow, gradual There is a never-ending battle between deep-rooted
anthropologists have explained the control of one, but it is happening nonetheless, particular in farcical traditions and contemporary pragmatism,
Women Bear the Brunt female sexuality as the key element in the devel- urban India. The India of ten years ago was substan- which leads many youngsters into confusion about
opment of prescribed norms on marriage. Female tially different from the India of today, and the India significant decisions especially when it comes to
Another glaring fact about love and marriages sexuality is seen as the locus of family honour, and a decade from now will continue on the path that falling in love and getting married.
in our country is that women are certainly more providing the woman the agency to choose her part- we have paved.” However, many are courageous enough to let go
suppressed than men. Thanks to our patriarchal ner is seen as destabilizing this carefully maintained After travelling to dozens of towns and cities off the preposterous rules of societies and choose
and feudal mindsets, women are considered to be normative order, which is also pivotal in maintain- across the country, she also writes that there is also the path of rationality that believes only in follow-
the beholders of their families’ honour, like prop- ing other hierarchies.” a ‘sexual revolution’ going on simultaneously with ing love and not societal distinctions. And for those
erty, rather than personal entities with their own She added that violent “repercussion is much the ‘love revolution’. “We are on our way — how- who do not have the strength to break free from the
desires and rights. Today, in both urban and rural set higher if love or marriage is between a woman who ever slowly and treacherously — to greater sexual shackles of conservatism and unreasonable tradi-
ups, women’s lives are scrutinised and their charac- belongs to a ‘higher’ caste or ‘majority’ community openness, tolerance and freedom… there is an tions it is hoped that, as the years go by, better sense
ters questioned especially when it comes to being and a man who belongs to a lower caste or minority eternal war between social conservative prudes shall prevail.
around members of the opposite sex and choosing community. This in turn is because it is assumed that and a new generation of Western-influenced young
their own life partners. marriage implies a subsumption of the woman’s people… India has a strongly set culture of family letters@tehelka.com

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