{"id":39126,"date":"2010-08-21T07:44:25","date_gmt":"2010-08-21T07:44:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/beta.tehelka.com\/?p=39126"},"modified":"2010-08-21T07:44:25","modified_gmt":"2010-08-21T07:44:25","slug":"whenever-i-grow-a-beard-my-wife-calls-me-a-terrorist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/whenever-i-grow-a-beard-my-wife-calls-me-a-terrorist\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018Whenever I grow a beard, my wife calls me a terrorist\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"

By\u00a0Aastha Atray Banan<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
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AT THE AGE OF 13,<\/strong>\u00a0the spirits of the ouija board told Shylaja Gopal that her husband\u2019s name would be Murtuza. She laughed it off, but her mum wrote it down on a paper and kept it, reminded of her own teenage experiments with the ouija board. In 1998, when Shylaja was working as a stewardess based in Chennai, she met a purser called Murtuza Rai on a flight. But at that time, there was another problem \u2014 she had a Muslim phobia. \u201cI couldn\u2019t help it. There have been so many terror incidents of late that one tends to be wary,\u201d says Shylaja, 33, sheepishly. Tracing her old prejudices, she says, \u201cI had a friend who had a Muslim boyfriend who would treat her very badly. He wanted to know where she was, who she was with, would tell her what to wear. I just assumed that he behaved that way because he was Muslim,\u201d she says. But one evening spent with Murtuza in Delhi after they flew together was enough to erase her ill-formed apprehensions.
\n\u201cOnce you meet a person who challenges your preconceived notions and prejudices, you can\u2019t help but get swept off your feet. We started dating a month or so after meeting each other,\u201d says Shylaja. They spent four years flying together, getting to know each other better and playing very competitive pool. Finally, it was time to tie the knot. But then, there was a new problem. Shylaja belonged to a Hindu family from Kerala, while Murtuza was the son of a Punjabi father and a Muslim mother. Her parents were quiet and conservative, while he hailed from an Army background and had grown up in a liberal atmosphere. \u201cIt was hard to break the news to my parents. I had thought I would have an arranged marriage. My parents had been showing me pictures of potential matches for some time. I told Murtu, \u2018you better get married to me or I am picking one of the photos\u2019,\u201d Shylaja remembers. \u201cI knew opposition was inevitable, though later my mum told me she had reconciled to the ouija board\u2019s predictions,\u201d she says.
\nEveryone had an opinion and they expressed themselves often. \u201cThere was bound to be a clash of cultures, but they were in love, so I was sure it was obviously going to sort itself out,\u201d says Ashwin Shetty, Murtuza\u2019s best friend and former roommate. Shylaja\u2019s best friend, Ramya Rai, was not as optimistic. \u201cWhen you are younger, you think so differently. He was a Muslim and I tried to talk her out of it. I reminded her of how different their backgrounds were. What if he changed after marriage?\u201d she says, adding, \u201cAlso, he never liked her partying too much with me when he wasn\u2019t around. So he and I didn\u2019t like each other. I didn\u2019t think it would last,\u201d she says, \u201cbut then I saw she was happy with him. So I changed my mind.\u201d
\n\u201cWhat was most time-consuming and annoying for both families was deciding a way in which to get married. South Indian, Islamic or Punjabi \u2014 that really got everyone\u2019s goat. We finally decided on the safe option of getting our marriage registered,\u201d laughs Murtuza, watching their one-and half-year-old son Rehaan run around. \u201cAfter that, nobody said anything. Her parents got to know me, and mine got to know her. So they settled down quickly. And now with a grandson, nobody even remembers us anymore.\u201d
\nTODAY THEY<\/strong>\u00a0have got everything going for them. Shylaja works for a shoe retail brand, while Murtuza is an aviation trainer. They still are competitive pool players but their son takes up most of their time. Their relationship seems unhurried, relaxed and devoid of drama. \u201cThat\u2019s because love is friendship even though that phrase has been a clich\u00e9 since Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, but that\u2019s why we work. I point out the hot girls to him whenever we go out,\u201d she says. So has she got over her Muslim phobia completely now? \u201cNot really,\u201d she guffaws, \u201cI still tease him every time something happens. In fact\u2026 \u201d He intervenes, \u201cShe refers to it all the time. Right now with my French beard, I am called a terrorist. Damn that Bin Laden!\u201d
\nPhoto:\u00a0MS Gopal<\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u2018My parents couldn\u2019t believe I was rebelling for a Catholic boy\u2019<\/strong><\/span>
\nBy\u00a0Aastha Atray Banan<\/strong>
\nSHRADDHA KENY\u2019S<\/strong>\u00a0parents had a simple historical fact to cite when they opposed her marriage to Noel D\u2019cunha, a middle-class Catholic boy. The Saraswat Brahmin family from Goa had been hearing tales of the Christian crusade against the Hindus in Goa. The duo met at the National Institute for the Hearing Handicapped in Mumbai, where Shraddha was an audiologist and Noel was the PA to the director. When they did get married, Shraddha\u2019s father refused to speak to her. But Noel cuts in and smiles, \u201cI think another reason that upset her family was that I was not as well off.\u201d Despite his fury, her father attended the wedding. \u201cI knew he couldn\u2019t stay angry forever. And once they really got to know Noel, I was sure they would like him. But my brother never adjusted, and we don\u2019t even speak to each other now,\u201d says Shraddha. They cook together, take long walks together, but their son Pancham, 14, is their biggest indulgence. \u201cWhen I cook beef, he asks, \u2018Mama, you are killing your mother?\u2019, and I just say I am only cooking for my son and husband.\u201d So would they let their son marry a girl of his choice? \u201cI want him to become a priest and never get married,\u201d says Noel with a big grin.
\nPhoto :\u00a0<\/strong>Nikita Sawant<\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u2018Even the passport office questions our marriage\u2019<\/strong><\/span>
\nBy\u00a0Aastha Atray Banan<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
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VJ MINI\u00a0<\/strong>Mathur almost missed meeting her husband, director Kabir Khan, all because she was going to refuse a TV project, citing date troubles. Even Kabir, who was the director of photography for the project, was planning to step away. But as Mini puts it, the day they saw each other \u201calarm bells rang\u201d, and they ended up completing the project so that they could be with each other. But though it was love at first sight for the couple, Mini knew it was not going to be smooth sailing. \u201cI am a Mathur from Delhi, and Mathurs only marry Mathurs. So the fact that I wanted to marry a Pathan was going to be a hard pill to swallow for my family. So we planned to take a slightly different approach.\u201d
\nTheir slightly different approach turned out to be a brilliant plan. Mini slowly introduced Kabir into her home as a friend \u2014 a friend who wowed her father with his knowledge of the world. \u201cHe used to travel a lot, and would send me formal postcards. Those postcards were actually meant to be seen by my father, so that he would know what a worldly man Kabir was,\u201d she laughs. \u201cAfter a few years, my parents asked me why I wasn\u2019t considering Kabir as husband material. My father said that \u2018the difference between a Khanna and a Khan is just NA, and that means Not Applicable.\u201d
\nFOR KABIR<\/strong>, introducing his would-be bride was simpler. His father, a Pathan, had eloped with his mother who was a Telugu. \u201cMy grandfather was a high court judge in Hyderabad and was very conservative. My parents went to America to study and got married there, and that caused problems in both families for some time. The fact that they went through such an experience made sure that in our home, we were never raised to give religion that much importance,\u201d says Kabir who has directed films like Kabul Express and New York. The couple got married, keeping both Hindu and Muslim rituals in mind. \u201cWe had a registered marriage but I also insisted on having mock pheras, and then dressing up in a sharara for my reception,\u201d she says. Mini admits that cultural differences are inevitable. \u201cFor example, they don\u2019t read the namaz but I do the puja.\u201d
\nThe couple\u2019s relationship came into the public eye in 2009 when the director landed up at the passport office as he wanted to visit his wife in Malaysia. A government officer asked him, \u201cHow can a Mathur be married to a Khan and how can his wife have a different name and that too from another community?\u201d Kabir was shocked. \u201cWho are these people to ask me that when my Constitution gives me the right to marry who I want?\u201d
\nAfter 11 years of bliss, they are now the parents of Vivaan, 7, and a year-old Sairah whose last names are simply Kabir. \u201cFor them to understand what their last name means, they need to know what religion is. They also have the freedom to marry who they want. By the time they grow up, this will become a non-issue,\u201d says Mini, concluding, \u201clove is defined by intellectual and emotional bonding. What role can religion play?\u201d<\/p>\n

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\u2018My biggest adjustment after marriage was learning Marathi\u2019<\/span><\/strong>
\nBy\u00a0Rishi Majumder<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
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SHALINI THACKERAY,\u00a0<\/strong>the Mumbai North West candidate for the Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS) was a prime talking point during the 2009 Lok Sabha elections. Why? Like any other MNS contestant, she espoused the Marathi manoos cause and justified party president Raj Thackeray\u2019s hate campaign against north Indians in the state. And going by the Thackeray family\u2019s protracted list of entrants into Maharashtrian parochial politics, the fact that Shalini is a Thackeray doesn\u2019t stand for much novelty either.
\nOr doesn\u2019t it? Shalini Thackeray, before her marriage to Jeetendra Thackeray was Shalini Bhagat, a girl from a Punjabi Sikh family based in Rae Bareilly, Uttar Pradesh. She was a \u2018north Indian\u2019 by even the MNS\u2019 narrow definition of the phrase. Raj Thackeray likes to set himself apart from other leaders who trade on identity politics. In one of his speeches he had said that by \u2018north Indians\u2019 he refers only to those from Rajasthan, UP and Bihar.
\nBut all this was before Shalini\u2019s marriage to Jeetendra Thackeray. In 2009, if Jeetendra\u2019s cousin Raj was the hot new face of Maharashtrian intolerance, Shalini was his sweet foil. Her very existence, it was hoped, would usher in universal appeal for the MNS. Someone had to explain to the world that Raj Thackeray had nothing personal against the north Indians he was lambasting in Shivaji Park and asking to leave. And who better than his north Indian sister-in-law to do so?
\nShalini and Jeetendra had met as students in RA College of Commerce, Mumbai. Shalini had run the family business for years before joining politics and is proud of the MBA she acquired in the US. But Jeetendra and Shalini have been with the MNS camp since its inception. Jeetendra was Shalini\u2019s campaign manager during elections. \u201cJoining active politics wasn\u2019t on my mind at all when I first came into the family,\u201d says Shalini. Today, as someone firmly entrenched within the MNS, Shalini is careful to measure everything she says about her family. \u201cYes, there were adjustments I had to make when I got married,\u201d she admits. This she follows with an instant disclaimer: \u201cBut they are the adjustments any girl who gets married into a family with a different cultural background would have to make.\u201d Ask her what the biggest adjustment was in the process of becoming a Thackeray bride and she responds, \u201cWell \u2014 the language. I used to know only smatterings of Marathi. But after marriage I had to make it my own.\u201d
\nONE IMAGINES<\/strong>\u00a0that it isn\u2019t easy being a Thackeray. While many individuals who marry into that culture might choose not to adopt the ethos and retain their own, one would imagine that Shalini did not have that option.
\nBut she protests this assumption vociferously: \u201cThere was no pressure on me. I chose to accept my family\u2019s tradition and legacy.\u201d And again, she likens all her fears about marrying into the Thackeray family with the \u201cfears any girl marrying into a family with a different cultural background would have.\u201d
\nWhat about her children? What if they married non-Maharashtrians? Or \u2018north Indians\u2019? \u201cWhy look into the future?\u201d she asks. \u201cI will bring them up with an excellent sense of sanskaar. And then I\u2019ll let them make their own choice when they\u2019re at the right age to do so.\u201d
\nWhy look into the future? Because 36 years ago, a fiveyear- old Sikh girl had come into Mumbai from Bareilly. Today that girl is a 41-year-old woman. The woman who says Raj Thackeray is sadly misunderstood is firm that there must be a \u201ccut-off point for migrants into the state\u201d. The catchphrase of her 2009 poll campaign was: \u201cI can cook both puran poli as well as kadhi chawal.\u201d<\/p>\n

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\u2018Mother forbade me from marrying into a shepherd family\u2019<\/strong><\/span>
\nBy\u00a0Anumeha Yadav<\/strong>
\nMUSIC TOH\u00a0<\/strong>banaata hai par kaam kya karta hai?\u201d Her mother\u2019s question haunted Bhavana Yadav when she decided to be with music composer Priyadarshan Pathak. Being the eldest daughter of a Yadav family, marrying a middle-class Brahmin boy was forbidden. Yet when they met at Shovana Narayan\u2019s kathak class in 1994, they couldn\u2019t help but fall in love. Family intervention followed soon after. \u201cMy uncles threatened to cut off all ties. One day, after spending four hours explaining my point of view to my mother, she asked me, \u2018She is still from a shepherd family, isn\u2019t she?\u201d says Priyadarshan. When he moved to Mumbai to try his luck in Bollywood, Bhavana started facing pressure to meet arranged matches. But their resolve to be together led them to tie the knot in 2000. Not that the years after marriage were perfect. Bhavana struggled to cope with her new life in Mumbai. It was three years before she started her current job as a psychologist. Priyadarshan is still waiting for a break in Bollywood, though he has composed music for teleserials on Doordarshan. Ask them about one thing that has come easily to them and the duo echos, \u201cAll these years of togetherness.\u201d
\nPhotos :\u00a0Nikita Sawant, Tumpa Mondal<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By\u00a0Aastha Atray Banan AT THE AGE OF 13,\u00a0the spirits of the ouija board told Shylaja Gopal that her husband\u2019s name would be Murtuza. She laughed it off, but her mum wrote it down on a paper and kept it, reminded of her own teenage experiments with the ouija board. In 1998, when Shylaja was working […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":69,"featured_media":39188,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[56],"tags":[5725,6146,2272,6147,6148,490,6149,6150,1353,6151,6117,6152,6153],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39126"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/users\/69"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=39126"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39126\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=39126"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=39126"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=39126"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}