{"id":321188,"date":"2020-03-20T06:42:10","date_gmt":"2020-03-20T06:42:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/tehelka.com\/?p=321188"},"modified":"2020-03-20T06:42:12","modified_gmt":"2020-03-20T06:42:12","slug":"why-do-we-confide-in-strangers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/why-do-we-confide-in-strangers\/","title":{"rendered":"Why do we confide in strangers?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Writing for Quarts, Jenny Anderson quoted Mario Luis Small, the Harvard Sociologist who said, \u201cIt\u2019s been common sense for so long\u201d that we turn to those closest to us, Small says. \u201cBut we turn to acquaintances all the time.\u201d Small\u2019s research flips all of that on its head. \u201cPeople\u2019s true pool of confidants is everyone they run into,\u201d Small writes in his book. Small\u2019s research suggests that nearly half the people with whom we discuss important matters are not those we would identify as our closest confidants. He believes we rely on those strong ties, but argues that\u2019s not the whole picture. We also can get a lot of support from weak ties \u2014 colleagues, casual friends \u2014 and we often do.<\/span><\/p>\n

His findings suggest while we are smart to invest in those close to us, we also have to make an effort to put ourselves in the crosshairs lots of people. Rising loneliness, often attached to too much social media and higher rates of living alone, may also be the result of being on a train or in a line at a store and looking at our phones instead of the person next to us. The freedom to work from home is great \u2014 more than 8 million people just in the US regularly worked at home as of 2017 \u2014 but one of the trade offs is missing out on casual interactions and the occasional substantive connection. As Small once told Psychology Today.\u201cI think the people who are really in trouble are not the people who can\u2019t name their three or four safety net people \u2014 they\u2019re the people who are literally not running into anybody on a regular basis.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Sociologist Ray Oldenburg wrote a book about the characteristics of different kinds of drinking establishments and found that more informal settings, like beer gardens with long, shared tables, promoted more interaction than fancy cocktail bars with small tables. In Denmark, a group called Ventilen (\u201cfriend to one\u201d) provides space for young adults to gather regularly and make a meal or play games, recognizing that it is not just being together but also having something to do that promotes interaction. Other research by psychologists has shown that even short conversations with baristas at Starbucks improved people\u2019s moods and increased their sense of belonging.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sorry mom<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Small says there are three reasons we might avoid those closest to us when we are grappling with problems about our health, relationships, work, or kids. The first is that our closest relationships are our most complex ones. A spouse is a friend, often a co-parent, also a lover, and hopefully, an advocate of our work.<\/span><\/p>\n

A mother has your entire life\u2019s history in her head. When we need comfort, we\u2019re unsure which of their roles these people might play \u2014 and wary that it might be a role that gives us something other than the unconditional support we\u2019re looking for in the moment. So we confide in someone else altogether.<\/span><\/p>\n

Small cites a common conversation from his research. When he asks a subject who she is closest to, she might say her mother; but when he asks if she has talked to her mother about the problems she is having with her boyfriend, she says no way. \u201cThe mother would enact the wrong role,\u201d he explains. \u201cThe daughter would want the listener but she would get the protector.\u201d To avoid that, she avoids her.<\/span><\/p>\n

The second reason is that when we are dealing with something difficult, we commonly prefer to confide in people who have been through what we are <\/span>going through rather than those who know us, seeking \u201ccognitive empathy\u201d over guaranteed warmth or closeness. Small says when his father died on the same day his daughter was born, he wanted to talk to people who had been through a similar experience, who were not necessarily the people closest to him.<\/span><\/p>\n

The third reason is that in our moment of vulnerability, our need to talk is greater than our need to self-protect. We simply grab what, or who, is near to us and don\u2019t think much about it. \u201cThe rational model of human behavior is one in which you pause and think before you act, but the truth is, a lot of the time we don\u2019t,\u201d Small says. In other words, he says, the idea that humans are built for caution, and with a constant, steely will to self-protect, is wrong.\u00a0 In an age of saturated social media and polarization, it\u2019s a useful reminder that connecting with people \u2014 all kinds of people \u2014 is just something humans need to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

Work<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Small\u2019s work also has implications for how we think about work. For many, it is the only place, outside of family, where we regularly encounter people who share common goals and give us space to vent, to opine, to brag to about our kid\u2019s incredible goal in Saturday\u2019s semi-final, or to confide in about your mother\u2019s dementia or your partner\u2019s cancer diagnosis.<\/span><\/p>\n

While only some of us may find best friends at work, most at least find colleagues. Both matter: soul mate or lunch partner, there\u2019s value in talking about important things and nothing at all. Small once conducted a nationally representative online study of roughly 2,000 US adults asking who the most important people in their lives were. One in eight named a co-worker. \u201cThe water cooler chat became ubiquitous in the workplace because talk, as water, sustains life,\u201d he writes in an article about the research.<\/span><\/p>\n

Matthew Breshears, an associate professor of sociology at the University of South Carolina, says there is ample evidence that weak ties are important but that Small\u2019s work is notable for recognizing that strong ties, while important, do not capture the full picture of who we confide in. \u201cMario is telling a very nuanced story where you have strong ties, but because of some cognitive features, it\u2019s difficult to use them for certain purposes.\u201d The work speaks to \u201chow social relationships are developed and maintained that we have not properly plumbed at this point.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Small has just completed a draft of another study; one which has not been reviewed so should be treated cautiously. The research is based on a survey of 1,200 Americans, which asked how likely they were to talk about a personally sensitive subject with a close friend, spouse, or parent. Nearly everyone said, \u201cvery likely.\u201d Then he asked about the last time they had a health, or relationship, or work issue. Did they turn to these people? One third said they did. Another third said they actively avoided them. \u201cYou are about as likely to deliberately avoid the people you are close to as you are to actually talk to them when you need somebody to talk to,\u201d Small says. Which is ok, because there\u2019s a world of strangers out there? We just need to remember to <\/span>access them!<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

letters@tehelka.com<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Writing for Quarts, Jenny Anderson quoted Mario Luis Small, the Harvard Sociologist who said, \u201cIt\u2019s been common sense for so long\u201d that we turn to those closest to us, Small says. \u201cBut we turn to acquaintances all the time.\u201d Small\u2019s research flips all of that on its head. \u201cPeople\u2019s true pool of confidants is everyone […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":89,"featured_media":321195,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[23,2205],"tags":[12774,12775,12776],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/posts\/321188"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/users\/89"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=321188"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/posts\/321188\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":321199,"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/posts\/321188\/revisions\/321199"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/media\/321195"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=321188"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=321188"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tehelka.com\/rest-api\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=321188"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}